Dating Advice: Love Shouldn't Hurt

"Because when pain has been intertwined with love and closeness, it's very difficult to believe that love and closeness can be experienced without pain." -Gloria Steinem, "Revolution from Within."




If you tend to attract men who disappoint you (by cheating on you, not showing up when they say they will, or just refusing to get off the couch), you may be confusing love with pain.



So many of us have been brought up to believe that pain is normal, even expected, in a love relationship. Without it, the relationship seems flat, boring. We crave drama. (Why is it that so many women have great sex after a fight with a significant other?)



A happy, loving relationship eludes us because we don't recognize it when we see it, or because we simply believe it's not possible (News Flash: According to a recent Today Show, all men lie. All of them! I wasn't aware that men have a monopoly on lying or other bad behavior. I know some women who are breathtaking liars. Don't you?).



According to the media, men are incapable of remembering birthdays, being monogamous, getting through a weekend unless they're transfixed before a marathon of football games. Women internalize these messages: That's the way men are. That's the way life is. Get over it.



And while the media is happy to sell us the myth of the unattainable happy relationship, some of us have come to believe in it because of our own experiences.



Some of us:



(a) Had parents who treated each other indifferently, (b) had parents who outright hated each other, (c) had fathers who ignored us as children, (d) had a parent who suffered from alcoholism, (e) had mothers who would rather have been doing something else, or (f) had a parent who suffered from a mental illness.



And so, we learned to associate love with pain. It's all we knew.



Others among us grew up in perfectly happy homes with parents who loved each other and delighted in us, but we still managed to:



(a) Internalize negative messages we heard from our friends' parents who were unhappily married, or



(b) Internalize negative messages we saw elsewhere (I know a woman who, during her impressionable teenage years, babysat for a couple who gave each other the silent treatment and expected her to relay messages. She also babysat for another family, where the father once came home early and started reading a porn magazine!).



As a result of this programming, we set low bars for the behavior we'll accept from boyfriends or husbands. Hey, it's better than being alone, right?



Wrong.



If you're putting up with substandard behavior from men, make decision to stop. Refuse to date anybody until you attract a man who makes your happiness a priority. Trust me; such a man will come into your life and stay there.



Treat him as you have come to expect him to treat you, which means with affection, respect, and consideration. Does this sound boring to you? If it does, please examine your feelings about relationships and see if they haven't determined the kind of men you attract.



You see, once you stop dating men who disappoint you but excite you, you can make room for a guy who loves you the way you deserve to be loved--and who excites you. Love and excitement are important, but if they're accompanied by pain, something's wrong. You'll never be truly happy with a guy who lets you down.



Ask yourself, "Where did I ever get the idea that love has to hurt?"



Give yourself time to come up with the answers. Take stock of whether your relationship is worth saving. If you speak up, will it make a difference? If not, are you willing to make room for a man who will love you and make you laugh instead of cry for a change?



"Because when pain has been intertwined with love and closeness, it's very difficult to believe that love and closeness can be experienced without pain." -Gloria Steinem, "Revolution from Within."



If you tend to attract men who disappoint you (by cheating on you, not showing up when they say they will, or just refusing to get off the couch), you may be confusing love with pain.



So many of us have been brought up to believe that pain is normal, even expected, in a love relationship. Without it, the relationship seems flat, boring. We crave drama. (Why is it that so many women have great sex after a fight with a significant other?)



A happy, loving relationship eludes us because we don't recognize it when we see it, or because we simply believe it's not possible (News Flash: According to a recent Today Show, all men lie. All of them! I wasn't aware that men have a monopoly on lying or other bad behavior. I know some women who are breathtaking liars. Don't you?).



According to the media, men are incapable of remembering birthdays, being monogamous, getting through a weekend unless they're transfixed before a marathon of football games. Women internalize these messages: That's the way men are. That's the way life is. Get over it.



And while the media is happy to sell us the myth of the unattainable happy relationship, some of us have come to believe in it because of our own experiences.



Some of us:



(a) Had parents who treated each other indifferently, (b) had parents who outright hated each other, (c) had fathers who ignored us as children, (d) had a parent who suffered from alcoholism, (e) had mothers who would rather have been doing something else, or (f) had a parent who suffered from a mental illness.



And so, we learned to associate love with pain. It's all we knew.



Others among us grew up in perfectly happy homes with parents who loved each other and delighted in us, but we still managed to:



(a) Internalize negative messages we heard from our friends' parents who were unhappily married, or



(b) Internalize negative messages we saw elsewhere (I know a woman who, during her impressionable teenage years, babysat for a couple who gave each other the silent treatment and expected her to relay messages. She also babysat for another family, where the father once came home early and started reading a porn magazine!).



As a result of this programming, we set low bars for the behavior we'll accept from boyfriends or husbands. Hey, it's better than being alone, right?



Wrong.



If you're putting up with substandard behavior from men, make decision to stop. Refuse to date anybody until you attract a man who makes your happiness a priority. Trust me; such a man will come into your life and stay there.



Treat him as you have come to expect him to treat you, which means with affection, respect, and consideration. Does this sound boring to you? If it does, please examine your feelings about relationships and see if they haven't determined the kind of men you attract.



You see, once you stop dating men who disappoint you but excite you, you can make room for a guy who loves you the way you deserve to be loved--and who excites you. Love and excitement are important, but if they're accompanied by pain, something's wrong. You'll never be truly happy with a guy who lets you down.



Ask yourself, "Where did I ever get the idea that love has to hurt?"



Give yourself time to come up with the answers. Take stock of whether your relationship is worth saving. If you speak up, will it make a difference? If not, are you willing to make room for a man who will love you and make you laugh instead of cry for a change?

Wedding Photography That will last a lifetime

Having pictures that you can look at in the years that follow your wedding is just one of the things that you want to invest your money in. But if you’re on a constricted budget, then there are also options for you.




Things to consider



One of the main things to consider when it comes to photography is what you want from your pictures. Do you want pictures of your while family or mainly of the two of you? If it a larger wedding or is a more private celebration?



You and your soon-to-be spouse should sit down and list all of the pictures that you would like to have in your wedding album—that is, poses for pictures. With this list, you’ll be able to see if you should invest in a professional or consider other options.



Where do you want your pictures taken? Some couples like to have outdoor shots, so they will need to find a photographer that does that as part of their services. The length of time you would like the photographer to be at the wedding will also factor into the price.



Look at photographer samples to see if your styles match. If they don’t, the photographer may recommend someone else. They want you to have good pictures, even if it’s not with them.



When you’re on a budget



If you’re nervous about spending a lot of money on your photographer, but still want a lot of pictures—you’re in luck. With the new and improved digital cameras, you have a better shot (no pun intended) to get great pictures.



Have a good friend (who isn’t in the wedding party) volunteer to take the pictures. Since digital cameras show you what the picture looks like instantly, you can take as many as you need in order to get it just right. And the quality is just as good as many professional photographers.



Another way to get a lot of chances for good pictures is to place disposable cameras at every table. People love to take pictures of other people, so you’ll get a lot of candid shots of your relatives and friends. Plus, the quality is pretty good, so you’re not wasting your money at all.



It doesn’t matter who takes your pictures as long as you get the ones that you want. If you want to have someone else do it, then invest in the professional. But for the budget conscious, having a friend or relative take charge is just as good.